Imagine that you've just poured your heart out in a blog entry.

Imagine it getting cleared.

You would feel like what I'm feeling now. I was so inspired, so tempted to make a change, but it was gone in a second of technical idiocy. But there are some things you can't let go, and this is one of them.

Some things just happen unexpectedly, or when you're doing something else. Although I'm always doing something else: watching cartoons or reading fanfic under the guise of doing homework, categorising people on the train when it appears I'm blanking out, writing letters or blog entries during lectures, and always, always daydreaming.

Well, it happened again today. I was reading Robin/Raven fanfics whilst doing research on market structure. And I was feeling uncomfortable because the school insisted on asking questions about market structure when they hadn't taught it, and I remembered that I had returned all of Elisa's stuff to her out of guilt, only to have her still mad with me because I wanted all my books back. So I went hunting for this fic about Tai Chi and being calm. It worked, but I had to make it last, and so I looked at the author page.

She didn't have many favourites, although she was a really prolific writer, so I clicked on her webpage.

Perhaps, maybe I was too tired of hearing Raven speaking, of hearing things too close to myself. Raven 'preaches' about keeping your thoughts in your mind, about keeping your feelings under control, and I do that a lot, although you may not have noticed. But the problem with doing that is that they begged to be let out, and under those conditions you either release them slowly, drown them out with other people's feelings, or go mad.

I didn't feel like going mad, neither did I feel like indulging in them. So I went to read her lj.

And got blown away.

I had never thought of writing a blog entry like writing a story. I haven't written for a long time, not this way, and writing letters in a diary only reminds me of the human contact that I've only indulged in fleetingly for so long. It's not enough, spending just a few hours with people: too much time is spent in catching up, rather than the here and now, and by the time you've finished catching up you find things have changed, and you have to catch up all over again. I don't want to be reminded of that, but neither do I want to forget myself.

And that's why writing a blog entry story-style is so good. Because it sometimes makes you forget that it's you you're talking about, and you can analyse, or describe, or make fun of yourself without sounding too pretentious (I think), and this is what I need. Even though it makes the entry longer, and more time is needed, but this is time worth spending.

To heck with karmic/technological interferences. This is one thing I'm going to fight for.

The webpage responsible is below.