So, I just quit fandom.

I think I'm ready to talk about this now.

Oh my God, this is just like AIESEC ALL OVER AGAIN. And I can't help but believe that this means, in some way, I am weak, but I SIMPLY CANNOT STAY. Because if I stayed, you'd see Kai the snarly beastie, and Kai the snarly beastie is one nasty piece of work that even /I/ don't want to see!

But really? The way fandom is progressing is exactly like the way Julian would shoot winks at me over Dei's head, just because we'd talked about his disagreements with Dei's fixation on winning the best LC. And like the way people would sidle up to me and complain about my senior because they were absolutely certain I would feel the same way just because I worked with said senior. And that as the days went by, both sides would only see the evidence that proved them equally right, and both sides would get equally smug on me.

And at the same time, I would keep my opinions to myself, quietly going MAD.

I just CAN'T live in that kind of environment. I simply want to be me, no strings attached, no obligations to anyone or anybody other than the ones I set. Because WHEN I set my obligations, I set them come storm or hail or personal dismemberment.

Which is why quitting fandom and quitting AIESEC are both so painful... because I STILL CARE. And I CARE so much that it hurts me to the quick, but because I CARE I HAVE TO LEAVE.

Because you see, while it was true that Dei was focusing too much on winning the LC award, but it was what drove him to perform. And it was working for him! So why should I thumb my nose at something that gives a person inspiration, no matter how small that inspiration may seem? It's like putting out the flame of someone who only owns a candle!

And while my senior may have been mean and not given me prior warning about what I was getting myself into, but he had problems of his own! And just because you don't like a person's character or methods of doing things doesn't mean you have to cut him when he's down!

In a way, this is very much like Ms Ho vs the entire CWC, but that time, I did not have to choose any side, and I had Jane for strength. However, in both AIESEC and fandom I am very very much alone, because these problems are my own, self-created problems.

So I am taking the easy way out: I am running before anyone can get me down, get me to commit. And by the time the battle lines are drawn, I will be far away, on MY OWN SIDE, and I will look at both sides tearing each other to pieces and think to myself: Thank GOD I'm not there.

I realise that this will cause problems for me when I go to work, but I think that when I actually do get a job, my allegiance will be to me and my family, and I will go to any lengths to preserve my job. If that means cutting people down and pushing my ideas above everyone else's, I will do it. Because I'm sick of fighting other people's wars.