Today I proceeded to destroy every single one of my careful drawn internet boundaries by doing the following:

1) Setting up a facebook

2) Adding old school friends, colleagues and internet friends indiscriminantly



I should feel happy. Finally no walls! Instead I feel extraordinarily depressed. Everyone looks so happy and cheery but changed. It makes me start to wonder - how did this happen? How did I not realise? Do I want to realise? Do I really want to know how they've changed, and change along beside them? It's not just the people that I haven't seen for a long time, but people I already know - why didn't I know this about them? Should I know? Should I ask?


And this is made even more hypocritical because I myself uploaded a picture that would shock most of the people who know me. It's a picture of me in a winter country, in a long red coat, with a hat that only perhaps a grand total of 10 people have seen. And yet I felt I needed to upload that picture, despite the dissonance it would cause in others that it caused in me.


Which is why I retreated to my blog. Somehow, back when it was just text change was easier to stomach. I could picture it in my head, change it slowly until it was something I was comfortable with. Or I could just walk away. Or somehow I could just compartmentalise it as something that only continued there on that corner of the internet. I am writing here to try and recapture that, and assure myself that this won't be checked as often as my other platforms.


I don't know. Maybe it's a matter of need. Maybe I didn't need a studio apartment and actually needed a four-room flat. Perhaps it's time to rebuild my walls again. Perhaps not.