Uncluttering

I'm on the train from Cambridge to London on a Good Friday, and it is packed. I didn't know it was such a big thing in the UK. I'm glad I decided to get out of the house and experience this.

I'm also going to watch the Passion of Jesus play, something I've only read about in books. I suspect it well be very religious, but I had to try. Today the weather was a bit warmer, which made me eager to go out.

This random romp on the weekend was closer to what I imagined my MBA life to be, before I injured my leg. Then when I recovered, it got too cold to run around. Now the cold is lasting longer than I expected. However, I am too impatient to wait for the cold to end anymore, even if I grumble about it.

So I am going to try to travel, even if I am alone when I'm doing that. We all live our lives alone anyway, and no one can live my life for me. I'll just be careful and take care of myself.

I also wish I wrote in my blog more often. When I don't write, too many things get cluttered in my head. At least when it's written out, I can stop dwelling on it. An added bonus is that it's a record of my life.

So I will try to travel and write more.

Torn between two fears

I left this in my drafts for a long time, but I'll post this for record purposes. This was written a few weeks ago.

Recently, I had a happy choice that confronted me. I was choosing a project to do in June as part of my school course, and I was to choose between a very difficult project in China, and a easier and possibly more relevant project in the UK itself.

I discovered that I was in the last round of the 1st project, and it was down to me and one other person, but the other person got it. That is fine, but I realised that if I had been a bit more shameless and worked a little harder, I would have got the more difficult project.

That's a little tough for me to swallow. All my life I was just told that having the right credentials would get me through life. It's really tough to have this questioned.

Not only that, I don't think I could lean harder. My heart was not ready to commit to the harder project. Without the conviction, I couldn't fight harder.

And if I look at this rationally, this easier project is better for me in the long term. It makes my CV look better.

But it still bugs me.

Starry night

Last night, I went for a formal, so I was flapping around in my formal robes. On the way there and back, I was able to see stars overhead. It was nice to walk slowly and admire the scenery around.

The conversation at the formal was pretty cool too. I was chatting with astrophysicists and people interested in atoms and various other projects. I've got a page full of potential talks.

It made me think that I should attend more fun things that I should do with my time, now that my knee is well. Some of the talks sound really interesting.

The Night of the Night Before Xmas

I was just starting to do my practice questions for Accounting when I realised that yes, this is a post I want to put on my blog.

I'm staying for a while in Cambridge, as I'm currently studying here.  Since I didn't grow up here, there are a few changes in lifestyle to make.  The last few days have been a bit traumatic, as everyone trickles out of Cambridge and you realise that when things shut down for Xmas over here, they really shut down.  It makes things a bit frightening, like how food can suddenly become a problem if you don't plan well (both running out of and having too much), or yesterday when all of the lights in my room decided to up and die.  It's alright when you have people around, and you know that you can fix things in the morning or get people with expertise to fix them.  It's another thing when you know that people are trying to celebrate and you have to call them specially out to do things for you.

I tried not to do that - the nice guy came over to fix my lights (on a Sunday) and I asked him for the key to the circuit breaker, so that I could fix things myself if the same problem happened again.  I also made a run to the grocery store, so I don't have to worry about starving even with my two meals a day thing that I've got going on.  (And too many bananas.)

But it's this sense of powerlessness that I don't like, and makes me faff around instead of studying.  I tell myself I'm equipped to handle living alone.  It doesn't make me feel good to think that I might not be as good as I think I am.

It doesn't help that studying itself makes me annoyed.  I don't like to think of myself as an accountant, and yet the subject that comes to me the most easily here is Accountancy.  I don't know whether it's because it's so easy that anyone could do it, but it seems strange to be a source of comfort.  In comparison, Corporate Finance is killing me, and I know all the topics.  I just don't know how to apply them.  So when people ask me for help, I feel pretty useless because I still don't know all these things!

That makes it hard to see what I want to do in life.  A lot of my assumptions are being questioned, and I don't really like the answers that I get from them.  It's hard not to be afraid, in this case.  But I shall try.

Start of my Cambridge year

This is the first time that I’ve been properly alone in Cambridge since I got here.  There’s no parents who have made arrangements to meet up tomorrow, and there’s no fellow college mates who want to lunch.

While I was busy with all these meet-ups, I actually looked forward to the moments when I would be alone.  Then, I could actually think and unwind.  I needed my own space.

Or so I thought, until I said goodbye to the fellow college mates after dinner.  Faced with the prospect of being alone in my room with no internet, I suddenly felt a sense of crushing loneliness.  For a moment, I thought I understood Voo, Ten’s friend.  I thought I understood what it was like to be alone in a foreign country.

Now, after a bath and with the radio on, I don’t think I understand Voo as much as I thought I did.  Yes, I am alone, but I am not estranged.  I know where everything is, including entertainment is if I want it.  I already have a favourite music station – Star Radio for Cambridge.  I have college mates that I am reasonably familiar with just a phone call away.  And I have already made connections, for better or for worse, with the staff of the college, and my fellow college mates, and I’m sure if I asked I would be able to get in touch with the people at the business school as well.

Right now, I have the luxury of choice.  And I intend to exercise it while I can.  After all, when everyone comes in I might not even get a moment to myself.  It might be work and projects and meals and activities and generally being occupied all hours of the day.  I might have internet!  I might be chatting with people a long distance away!  Or even close by.  One never knows.

The taxi's waiting

Now I'm all packed and on the brink of my studies in the UK.  I thought I would be more excited than this, but I suppose a full day of packing has sapped the energy from me.  I'm not excited or worried about what is coming up ahead, for there are too many small details to deal with that blots all of that out.  Instead, I am in an almost zen state.  I know the best thing I can do now is rest.

And rest I shall.  When I next write here, I shall be in the UK.  I hope to update soon!

Leaving on a jet plane

In 5 days' time, I will be in the UK.  From then on, I'll be staying for one year.

The entire process of preparing for the trip was stranger than I imagined it to be.  For someone who didn't like lists, I started making a ton of them and checked them off religiously.  I met up with all sorts of people, and found that some of my acquaintances should actually be my friends.  I realised that keeping in contact isn't that hard to do.  I have a ton of letters that I will be writing to everyone.

I also realised that packing up your life into suitcases is hard.  Even though I'm only going to be there for just 1 year, the things that I will need are quite surprising.  The decisions that I've made in what to bring - gadgets, creature comforts and all that - have been very interesting.

I expect to travel.  I've been told that I ought to visit Belgium, and I am definitely going to visit Paris.  A lot of the students want to go to Amsterdam, though I'm not quite sure what the attraction there is.  I might go to Vienna, or visit Italy again.

Or I might just take endless walks and train rides all over the place.  Rambling is a good pasttime, and Cambridge looks like a fun place to walk around.  I am sure that there will be things to do there.

Plus my family says they want to go back to Leicester to take a look at how it has changed since we've been there.  It should be exciting.