Torn between two fears

I left this in my drafts for a long time, but I'll post this for record purposes. This was written a few weeks ago.

Recently, I had a happy choice that confronted me. I was choosing a project to do in June as part of my school course, and I was to choose between a very difficult project in China, and a easier and possibly more relevant project in the UK itself.

I discovered that I was in the last round of the 1st project, and it was down to me and one other person, but the other person got it. That is fine, but I realised that if I had been a bit more shameless and worked a little harder, I would have got the more difficult project.

That's a little tough for me to swallow. All my life I was just told that having the right credentials would get me through life. It's really tough to have this questioned.

Not only that, I don't think I could lean harder. My heart was not ready to commit to the harder project. Without the conviction, I couldn't fight harder.

And if I look at this rationally, this easier project is better for me in the long term. It makes my CV look better.

But it still bugs me.